doug giles - on how to eat government cheese and live in a van by the river

If you like satire, Doug Giles (columnist on, among other places, Proud to Be Canadian) is a must-read. He’s begun a series "Developing the Disaster Master Mind©" which starts out...

After 20 plus years of being on the radio, writing books and articles and speaking to a lot of people across the globe, I’ve been amazed at how people have both revived and ruined their lives. I have seen some amazing transformations in people’s lives, as well as some astonishing self-inflicted thrashings. Being the sardonic guy that I am, I’m particularly interested in those who boldly and zealously want to wreck their lives. You’ve gotta love them! I mean, without them, we wouldn’t feel as good about ourselves as much as we do. Yes, they keep schadenfreude alive and well, baby.

Being fascinated with the feckless has caused me to document the traits of the detrimentally determined in order to:

a. make certain that, by God’s grace, I don’t imitate them very often and
b. to have at my disposal solid, sure-fire bullet points to assist those who’re hell bent for mishaps because, as a minister, I feel it is my job to be non-judgmental and help all people achieve their goals, whatever they may be. [That’s the ministerial mantra of postmodernism, isn’t it?]

Now, let me allay some initial fears of those who think it is difficult to derail their lives. You are in luck. Believe it or not, having a chaotic and cruddy life isn’t as thorny as you might think. It is as easy as making a decision, in particular, consistently making bad decisions, and sticking with them no matter how much life kicks the snot out of you.

Yes, I guarantee, if you believe and obey these ten points below I can assure you that you’ll eventually be broke, friendless, a disaster to date or marry, a bad father or mother, and possibly a whore or a pimp or a welfare brat. More than likely, if you stay the course and develop what I call a Disaster Master Mind©, you will end up costing the government lots of money. In addition, if you can actually find someone to procreate with, you will spawn a new generation of losers; and if you really embrace the following, you might end up eating government cheese and living in a van down by the river.

Here’s a challenge:

For 90 days . . . that’s just 90 days . . . commit to living out the proven loser principles below, and I can almost promise you that you will be well on your way to no where (more...)

Habit one: Be A Slacker © (above) is followed by habit two: Blame Others ©, habit three: Embrace Hopelessness © and habit four: Follow Others Mindlessly ©.