Sunday, July 24, 2005

out of sorts

It's Sunday night. We had an odd evening. E. had it marked in his diary that we were on to serve communion in the evening service. But when there was no c. service this morning, we wondered whether there was one tonight. So we went to church with more than half an expectation that we would not be needed. We were right.

So instead of taking in the p.m. service, we went to the bookstore and bought five bargain bin CDs (at a price of less than $7 each). Then we drove out to Whiterock and walked on the beach. We got lucky (blessed really) there too, as we found a meter which had 40 minutes left on it...just enough for a walk.

Now we're home and what to put on my blog is heavy on my mind.

This is one of those days I wish I hadn't started a blog. It's a day I'd like to be a snail, and just hide inside my shell for a combination of reasons:

1. Today I feel like a lousy writer. Often bloggers recommend their favorites. Instead of simply relaxing and enjoying those new writers, I compare. More often than not I come away feeling completely and utterly deficient. That happened today. I read someone who writes all in small letters, with an interesting poetic angle to her observations. My first thought: could I write like that? Would I even want to? Even if I could, I think it would make me feel phony. I'm too much of a literary flatfoot.

And then I get down on myself for comparing. For I'm not anyone but myself, and try as I might, I probably won't change much. Plus the reasons I would want to are all egotistical -- so that I come across more interesting, deep, mysterious, caring or warm; so that people would like me more.

2. Today I feel like a shallow person. I've realized again in the past few days how little it takes to trip me up. How easily I transgress my own code. How much I am about saying the right words, but when it comes to living the life, I'm pretty inconsistent. Oh, I know about how in me there's no good thing, and grace and forgiveness and second (and third and fourth) chances. But I like to think I'm making progress in this life of obedience and I hate it when I let myself down and give myself yet another illustration of how far I still have to go.

3. The weekend just past was wonderful but busy and has left me feeling wrung out instead of replenished. I need some time in the shade to catch my breath and be private. I feel I have nothing worthwhile inside. I must give the creative space inside me time to refill. I'll be back later in the week for a few more posts before HOLIDAYS!

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